Third time around

Today was the third anniversary of the untimely and yet utterly inevitable passing of my one and only mother. It seems to hurt less the more time that I can put between myself and those dark days of her drawn out death, but hurt less I say because of course it still hurts basically a fuck of a lot. Mind you now my intent is never to tell another sad story, instead I pause today to contemplate the complexity of trauma, the interconnectedness of pains and the ever evolving experience of experiences as filtered through the minds eye's rearview mirror. As sure as we can only be where we are, we can only do what we can, and sometimes it seems that the responsibility of maturation lies in the truth that when we know better we do better. As I age I'm increasingly compelled to feel my feelings, speak my truths and accept the things I cannot change. The promise that more will be revealed continues to unfold before me. When asked today why I drank I found myself at a loss. Around the room people shared, varied reasons each pursued intoxication, sometimes as simply as enjoying the experience. Those who drank like I did were more apt to report drinking simply because not drinking was never an option. If I look back and account for context it becomes clear that I've had an alcoholic mind for as long as I've had consciousness. Addiction and all it's lovely add ons were the only truth I ever knew, the one consistency amidst the chaos, the only stable plank to walk. I never once knew how to not drink, until I stumbled through those doors bruised and beaten and beyond half dead on the inside.

The world didn't end, so we got a Christmas tree instead

I'm stumbling home, trying to traverse the treacherous cobblestone path in my finest hooker heels. My gawd what a day. My job gave me one of those days you're surprised you survived when the clock hits five. I'm exhausted in every possible way, there is so much hurt in this world it's sometimes too much to bear. The end of the day finds me driving his way, with little spirit in my step. I stop at a store for the finishing bit of an awesome gift and gawd what a mistake that was. Of all the reasons I have to hate the holiday season the ugliness it brings out in people must be in the top three. After defying death amidst the cranky Christmas shoppers I've little left to offer. I make it to his house, relieved to find his stress barely precipitable around his eyes. My warrior he is, with his game face on and all I can do is fall into his arms. Shopping for a Christmas tree is the task at hand. The baby's cranky and his dad's weighing the cost of a Christmas tree against the groceries he needs, my heart breaks a little while I wait patiently in the passenger seat.  Christmas tree acquired we make it back to the house to set it up. The lights don't all work and the ornaments need hooks and it feels just like home. I say goodnight and make the long drive home. Safely past the treacherous path I open the door and am greeted by puppy love, my saving grace on a day like today. As I fall into bed all I can think is that they said today was the day the world may end. the world didn't end, we got a Christmas tree instead, and I guess its just as well.

Possible.

We stare at each other across the great divide of privilege and possibility. From a world of equal opportunity and endless possibility you stand before me insisting assuredly that there's a better way to live. This, baby, is all I've known and the rest is just a fairy tale. Here you are like a live prince charming telling me the castle could be mine. I grew up in a world without, where a constant state of wanting became a constant state of being and eventually you just stop asking. Yes baby, I've learned to just get through, to just make do, eventually even hungry doesn't hurt. I've gone to great lengths to learn to live, to do more than just survive, to strive to thrive, to act in this world rather than always react. To make a choice, and have a voice, that's how I found you. I want to live beside you and walk through this life together. I want to grasp at dreams and build bridges to the sky. I've accepted so much so far I've forgotten how to want, but you bring it back to me. You and I together stand before a world of possibility. I'll hold your hand tightly and together we'll learn to be.

Everything was beautiful, and nothing hurt

It felt like everything was beautiful and nothing hurt. At least that's how it felt for me. My head found itself resting on your shoulder, and I felt the almost imperceptible shift of the joint as you put your arm around me. Your hand played gently up and down my back as I considered how nicely I felt our frames fit together. It felt like looking at you standing in the open doorway of your heart, your smile inviting, your eyes penetrating my walls, and me standing naked before you, willing and able to move forward. I heard your voice but couldn't make out all of the words over the wave of peace that washed over me. This is nice is all I could muster but how it felt was like everything was beautiful and nothing hurt. I gazed out across that tranquil lake at the purple mountains rising sturdily from the horizon. The sky was the quintessential sky blue and the air stirred ever so slightly in the space around us. The idyllic scene is completed by the sprinkling of ducks gently disturbing the calm water, and then we share a smile. This is one of those times that is timeless. We could have been there but a few moments, it could have been a few days, nothing could have altered the perfect structure of that experience. It was exactly as it was meant to be painlessly beautiful and perfectly complete.

Walking on sunshine

He asks sweetly, dear do you remember the night we met? And I reply of course my love how could I forget. We walked so smoothly through the time it was as though your heart already knew mine and falling for you was the easiest thing to do. I remember how nervous we were staring across that table both unsure, fidgeting with the glasses before us. I thought you so brave to get up and sing and you thought I was a good sport for listening. You killed the Madonna cover and I couldn't have been prouder. You reached across the table to hold my hand and I wondered to myself how anything could ever be sweeter. I remember when we walked aimlessly unwilling to let the night end and how we ended up on the porch of that vacant house. We were so close to the chaos but lost in our own world. Eloquently speaking of everything and nothing at once, we liked the same songs, we laughed at the same jokes, I edged my way closer to you on those hard cement steps. Every piece of you felt soft and sweet and I thought everything was beautiful and nothing hurt. I longed for your kiss long before it came and when it did it felt so right in your arms I didn't want it to end. But baby what I remember the most is how it felt. My words can never do it justice and i'm sure you'd agree. What we shared that night was indescribably lovely.

Sensations

You are a tangible sensation, engulfing all of my senses. My eyes yearn to drink you in for all time, every inch of my skin craves your gentle touch. When you're near me your smell wraps around me like a warm blanket and when you're away your song is on my lips.

Sometimes

Sometimes you take in your car to fix one thing and they find four more things that are wrong. Sometimes you show up to get an estimate for the repair and the hood of your car won't even open. Sometimes you are so discouraged by life you think you may crack under the pressure. And yet... Sometimes your friends come through for you when you need them the most. Sometimes a complete stranger will donate his Sunday afternoon to helping you simply because you are a friend of a friend. Sometimes it feels like things may just work out ok. Living with a brain disease is a difficult state of affairs, compounded exponentially when you throw in the strains of a difficult life. I write a lot about how hard things are, and trust me when I say I mean every word. But the truth is that there is beauty amidst all that chaos, and some joy in there with the pain. The truth is life is a complicated array of the gray, between the extremes of good and bad. Today when I was driving home the sun was setting with all the majesty of a desert sunset. From the embers of the horizon shot rays of red and orange through the silver lined pink clouds. The mountains were purple and the sky the palest blue. I pray that I never forget how to appreciate things like that. I pray that I never lose sight of my gratitude for the help I receive along the way. Today things are still far from ok but I can always chose the lense through which I view my life. I may not be writing a book but I have a blog. I have friends who read every word I write. I could be worse off. I may not have a partner but I have a lovely dog to sleep beside. I have the unconditional love of the most amazing man I've ever met. I could be worse off. I may not have all the bills paid but I have a roof over my head. I have food in the refridgerator. I could be worse off. I may have a host of car problems but I have a car that runs. I have a job to drive to. I could be worse off. Today things are still far from ok but I chose to remember that this life can only break you down if you let it. Today I chose to weild the weapons of gratitude and love and fight back against the ever present darkness. Sometimes that's all you can do.