Monday, August 1, 2011

something blue.

Some days my progress is so evident to me, and some days all I can see is how far I've still got to go to be the me I see in my minds eye. Anxiety and depression continue to grip me tightly, moderating any progress that may be made. In my best moments I experience something like ease of being, in which I can be content to just exist. My worst moments find me utterly baffled by the purpose of life, unsure that anything has any meaning, drowning in pointlessness, lost in darkness, desperate for something of substance to cling to. Most moments fall somewhere between the extremes, often mediated by how much energy I may muster to invest in the day.
I guess at what normal is. I question constantly how it might feel if I didn't stand in the way of my own growth. I study carefully those around me, hoping to glean some clue to normalcy. It often just leaves me more in the dark.I imagine that people find purpose in the simple act of existence- which I seem unable to find meaning in. I imagine people to be content in the daily pursuit of joy, happiness, or fun. I who knows little if anything of these things, certainly cannot begin to allow them to justify my existence.I imagine that people dont generally lose sleep over their need to justify their existence. As I've said, however, I guess at what normal is.

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