Depression often manifests in the state of stagnation, of being sedentary, of suffering a lack of motion. I feel myself stagnating some days and it feels like it devours me from the inside out. Depression is an insideous and destructive force in my life and I feel that many of my hours are devoted to constant vigilance, watching for the beast to raise it's head, intercepting its harmful endeavors, and of course damage control once its come and been and is. My father has always described the phenomena as having a brain which thinks it can kill you and still live, this idea appeals greatly to me. Who can you trust when you cannot trust yourself? What do you listen to when your own mind lies? My own mind is like a biochemical ghetto, I'm too ashamed to let anyone see, but is too dangerous for me to venture into alone. Some days i can see the disease for what it is and some days I cannot. Some days i know the lies arent true, but others it doesnt matter what i know, my heart will dwell in the darkness.
Things my mind tells me on a daily basis which I at the very least conceptually know to be false:
1. nothing is worth doing, all endeavors are ultimately futile
2. life is meant to be survived, enjoyment is a fairytale
3. i am destined to fail
4. nothing i can do will ever be good enough
5. depression is something I will never find relief from
things my mind tells me are false which i know to be true:
1. i am smart, creative and capable
2. there is more to life than getting by
3. there is a better to get to
things upon which the jury is still out
1. you cannot support yourself doing something you love
2. if you struggle long enough and work hard enough someday happiness will be your reward.
3. everything is the same as everything else
Call me crazy, but if you've been there, you probably know exactly what I mean.
Options I have in the face of stagnation nation:
1. give in and go to sleep
2. comprimise and enjoy the escape of a mindless and sedentary activity
3. get up and fight
Today I chose to fight.
#3. everything is the same as everything else...
ReplyDeleteword.
on another note, this is SO wonderfully written... i wish you would publish a book about depression so the rest of the world could have an alternative, self healing, tongue in cheek reference guide to brain diseases...
ReplyDeletelord knows we all need one.
you could change the world, and a lot of peoples lives with your eloquent words y'know...