Saturday, September 3, 2011

today I am disorganized

Today I want to have something to say, some words to splay across this page like so much paint upon a canvas. But today I am no painter. Today I want something to say, seperate from yesterday, and only hinting towards tomorrow. But today I am not present. Today I want my words to interlock and fit perfectly into one another like so many pieces of a puzzle, until a picture emerges. But today the pieces are too scattered to find matches. I'm here today dead center amidst this revolution of myself, this inner rearrangement of the components which make up a person and it all leaves me feeling so lost. I'm filled with a restless energy, eager to begin to live as I've never done before, but unsure of where to start. So many choices lie before me and I balk at cosing any one path. From the monumental to the totally insignificant I am unfolding the idea of options and am paralized by the implications. Today I want to know what I want such that these choices might become less daunting. I start projects only to start new projects. I start books only to start new books. My interests are wide and my capacities varried and nothing is actually completed. I spend the hours in which I attend to one thing thinking of several other things and I'm sure that this multi tasking hinders my efficiency. Today I feel like a child with a short attention span, certain that just around each corner is something new and different and how can you settle for any one thing when so many things are out there. I want to be sure on my feet, and solid in my sense of who I am, but it feels as though the harder I try the more distractible I become. Today I want something to say that has some focus rather than so many thoughts haphazardly splayed across this page. But today I am disorganized.

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