cognitive dissonance

I'm tired today. Tired like sick and tired. Sick and tired like sick and tired of being sick and tired. It's exhausting to me simply to contemplate the extensive amount of energy which I must devote to battling my brain disease*. Most days I'm certain that most people would have surrendered by now, it is the curse and the gift of being who I am. Most days I'm proud that I fight the good fight, but never does it escape my awareness that it would be so much easier to give in. I wield every weapon I posess, I fight with every tool I've been given, but as in war some battles are won and some are lost as the fight presses on. The casualties of each passing day are burried but never forgotten and the weight of the memories will pull hard on the heart of any soldier.
I'm tired today of questioning the very fabric of my reality. They say that people like me guess at what normal is, oh but I've taken it several steps past that.  I can't begin to guess at what normal is, I seem to still be stuck on guessing what real is. I struggle to differentiate the truth from the false espescially in all matters of the heart. The truth is that a matter of the heart is actually a matter of the mind, an organ which is rather ill in my case. I struggle to differentiate between what happened and my interpretation of what happened. Without waxing philisophical suffice to say that the two diverge greatly in my awareness.
So I'm tired today and I head to bed wondering what exactly really occured on the battlefield today, and hoping that by morning the smoke will have cleared.


*A novel term for psychological issues, synonymous with 'mental illness': coined by my good friend Jes'ca