things about this life

the thing about this life is that I have to believe that something greater than me is in the driver's seat. not only do I have to believe in this but I have to have faith that I'll be driven to where I need to go. the truth is that at the end of the day I am not in the driver's seat, and thank god that I'm not. the truth is that left to my own devices I will drive my life straight into the ditch every time. the thing about this life is that I'm given the choice of the perspective I take. I can spend all my time sitting in the passenger seat staring at the spedometer and the gas gauge and imagining myself behind the wheel, or, I can sit back and relax and be carried across the horizon. I can look out my window and see all the scenery I'm meant to see on this voyage and know that it's just for me. the thing about this life is that it's all about the journey and not the destination. who am I to expect to know where I'm going, where I'll be tomorrow, or where I'll be 5 years from now. who am i to question the fact that there is a greater plan I may not be privy to. the truth is that regardless of what sweet stories of control I may tell myself I am lost in this life today as much as any other day. the truth is that today, right now at this very moment is all I'm ever guaranteed. the truth is that to give up sight of this fact is to surrender everything. today i choose life over fear and I choose now over lies. today I chose to live in the love of a higher power and believe that what's meant to be will be.
Today a good friend reminded me of the powerfully simple and profound song lyrics:
"this is how it works, you're young until you're not, you love until you don't, you try until you can't, you laugh until you cry, you cry until you laugh, and everyone must breathe until their dying breath. oh this is how it works, you peer inside yourself, you take the things you like, then try to love the things you took, then you take that love you made and stick it into someone else's heart, pumping someone else's blood. you walk arm in arm, you hope it don't get hard, but even if it does you'll just do it all again."
-regina spektor
the truth is that these are words to live by. what else is there to do but love until you don't, and try until you can't? what else is there to do when it gets hard but to do it all again.
the thing about this life is that most days I don't have a clue about how to go about living it. I constantly guess at what normal is, and I pray I'm pulling it off. i can't understand human nature and i'm full of enough emotion to fill a well. my concept of life is drawn out of pain, my ideas about romance are taken from film, my image of self comes straight from the garbage can, and I wonder why I can't relate.
the thing about this life is that god consciousness is my only tool, and gratitude the only weapon I know how to weild, against life, against them, and against myself.
the truth is that today I am so blessed I couldn't begin to count the gifts. the truth is that no matter how much it hurts it used to hurt more. the truth is that no matter how lost I may feel I always have the option of looking out the window and learning the passing lessons.
the thing about this life, that I'm only just beginning to grasp is that it's all about perspective.
take for example the man that I love:
in one light I can paint his beauty, he's handsome and loyal and kind, he's an exquisite lover and he never lies. in another light i can paint his flaws, he's crass and emotionally unavailable, he's careless and self absorbed. the truth lies in both lights, or in the gray where they intersect. all of these things are true, but none of them tell the whole story. the thing about this life is that there is no such thing as black and white. regardless of how hard I try or how long I strive the world refuses to be painted into shades of polar opposites. there is good in the bad and bad in the good and gray everywhere I turn. the truth is that my insistence on black and white leaves me ever in the dark. I tell myself lies when I refuse to see the middle ground and that's where it all boils down to perspective. I choose to draw the hard lines where none are needed, I demand the answers when there are none. I crucify you when I can't see where you are because you're surrounded in gray. I alone have the choice of how I see what is around me. I alone have the choice to live in the gray, to peer out the window, and to enjoy the journey. the truth is that today I am not in the driver's seat and I'm tired of staring at the inside of the car. I want to smile, I want to grow, and I want to live in my gratitude. god help me.