Thursday, July 12, 2012

one kind of conception of some kind of a god

All I've ever wanted my whole life was to feel ok. The day that feeling came to me was the day I came to believe in a power greater than myself.

I was about 6 months sober or so the night I first came to know my conception of some kind of a god. I was working with my sponsor on step 3 and I was filled with fear and self doubt. They say that god comes gradually to most but this was not true for me. I am not always so easy to get through to and from that day to this my god has seen fit to rather dramatically command my attention. Where some describe what they call a burning bush experience I found my god in a snowstorm in the desert. I've never seen anything before or since as strikingly beautiful as snow falling gently upon the alien desert landscapes. I watched as individual flakes of snow fell and landed delicately on the sharp spines of the cacti. I watched the bits of snow fall to the ever brown desert ground and melt so immediately as though the floor still held the heat it's known for. Most importantly I watched a flurry of flakes flitting chaotically in the sea of life beneath a streetlamp, and in that moment I knew my god. There I stood a small individual in a small dark alley in a small dark world and there before me fluttered perfection, gently illuminated in the streetlight. I stared up at the flakes in awe as each individual bit seemed to glow and glitter alike. I saw my humanity in that snow. Endlessly falling bits of beauty, simultaneously flawed and flawless. The masses of unique flakes swirled around each other chaotically, mercilessly alone but never isolated from one another. Standing there watching that snow fall I was suddenly overcome by the feeling that everything was ok. My life was still my life, and nothing outwardly changed but I was internally changed forever. Suddenly I knew to my core that everything would be ok no matter what. That night a sense of peace washed over me like I've never known before. I felt like I was seated crosslegged in the outstretched and cupped hands of something far bigger than me. I felt in that moment what unconditional love was. I felt protected and safe for the first time in my life. While this feeling is not always on the forefront of my mind it has become a piece of who I am, which can never be taken away.

As far as the subject of 'God' goes I chose to remain uninvolved. I've no faith in religion and fear that it's greater parts are misused by its members. I do not claim to have any understanding of what a power greater than me could possibly entail. I do not try to understand what a god might look like. I'm utterly uninterested in arguing philosophy or debating the existence of this universal power which I believe takes care of me. Anyone is as free as I to define their own beliefs, and to have their own conception of a god or lack there of. What I know are a few facts that are true for me.

What I know for a fact is that where I should have been dead a hundred times over, I live a rich and beautiful life.
What I know for a fact is that something acts in my life today and does for me what I was never able to do for myself.
What I know for a fact is that in my heart where there was hate, there is love, and where there was fear, there is faith.
Today I feel love for myself and others.
Today I feel a sense of purpose in my life.
Today I know that everything happens for a reason, and that no matter what, Im going to be ok.

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